RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE LOVE JOKES OF THE WEEK Rabbi Applebaum thought it would be a great idea to hold a marriage seminar at his congregation and sure enough, many of the couples showed up. The therapist was focusing on communication and Moishe and Miriam Silverman were listening as the therapist declared: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Moishe leaned over, touched Miriam’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK. Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you." She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I said, "It's me talking to the beer." When I asked my wife asked when she knew she loved me She said "We were in Yerushalayim, and the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to life. I think that weekend, was when I realized you could be the best thing about my life." I didn't speak for a while, just looked at her and said three words. "Our tenth anniversary?" I love the taste of clocks but… Eating them is time consuming I love bad eyeball jokes- the cornea the better! As Moishe left a board meeting at shul, he desperately gave himself a personal TSA pat down. He was looking for his keys. They were not in his pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly he realized that he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he headed for the parking lot. Moishe’s wife, Miriam, had scolded him many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. Moishe’s theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Miriam’s theory is that the car will be stolen. As Moishe burst through the doors of the shul, he came to a terrifying conclusion: Miriam’s theory was right. The parking lot was empty. He immediately called the police. He gave them his location, confessing that he had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen. Then Moishe made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," he stammered. He always calls her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. Moishe thought the call had been dropped, but then he heard Miriam’s voice. "Moishe!" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me." Miriam retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!" I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me. When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga I love whiteboards. They're remarkable. Dave and Cindy Rothman had some friends over for Shabbos dinner when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. Cindy and I have a great relationship," Dave explained. "She was a communications major in college and I believe it or not, I received a minor in theater arts." “How does that help you?” asked their guest. "Cindy communicates really well and I am very good at acting like I'm listening." In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" Why do people love the way the earth rotates? Because it really makes their day I really love 50 Cent......Or as we call him here in Iran, '200 million dollars'.
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