Do Good, Despite Mixed Motives
At times a person might feel guilty about his lack of elevated motivations when doing good deeds. But the Sages state that we should engage in Torah study and the fulfillment of good deeds even if we lack pure motivation -- since it will ultimately lead to our doing good deeds with more pure motivation.
Moreover, Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin wrote: It is impossible for a person to reach the level of doing good with entirely pure intentions without starting with mixed motives. This is analogous to a king who ordered his servant to go to the attic. The king will not be angry with his servant for not jumping from the ground to the attic in one leap. He knows it is impossible to go up without taking the ladder step by step.
Similarly, in Torah study and the performing of good deeds, it is necessary to start with various motivations until one reaches pure motivation
Love Yehuda Lave
A little Jaunt on a beautiful May Day
"Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75."
- Benjamin Franklin
World first as surgeons spot a brain tumour - with a 'bleeping pen'
A British hospital is trialling a laser that bleeps like a parking sensor on a car when scalpels get to the edge of cancerous areas of the brain, letting surgeons know their margin for error.
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1. Appreciation. Recognize what she does. Thank her for her hard work. Express gratitude for the little tasks she takes care of that you may usually take for granted. Write a note. Send a text. Or say thank you as soon as you walk in the door.
2. Compliments. Tell her she is beautiful. Compliment the dress that she is wearing or the color of her shirt. Give her positive feedback about her work. Tell her that she is an amazing mother. Tell her that she's smart. Tell her that she's talented. She needs to hear it -- especially from you.
3. Empathy. Commiserate with her when she's had a hard day. Listen to her. Say things like: It sounds like you had a really rough meeting. I can't believe you stood on line for that long, you must have been so frustrated. You must be so tired from being up all night with the baby; it must have been really challenging managing everything at work today.
4. Kindness. Be available to help. Fill up her car with gas. Fix her computer or offer to help her with a problem at work. Hold the baby. Do homework with the kids. Ask your wife if she needs anything. Give her a break. Apologize when you hurt her feelings. Be kind.
5. Friendship. Be her friend. Go on dates together or spend focused time with each other. Do fun things together. Plan adventurous trips even if they will be short. Share your struggles. Encourage each other. Be happy for each other's accomplishments.
6. Affection. Tell her that you love her. Buy her flowers. Express how happy you are to be married to her. Tell her that she completes you.
7. Respect. Research shows that the first thing to go in a marriage is politeness. We get too comfortable around those closest to us, and we forget to show them basic respect. Call her or message her when you're running late. Even if it's just five or ten minutes later than the time that she was expecting you. Hold open doors for her. Greet her. Smile at her. Look at her when you are speaking.
8. Acceptance. Accept her weaknesses. Understand that she often sees things differently from you, remembers things differently from you, and handles things differently from you. Praise her strengths. Reassure her that you are always there for her.
9. Authenticity. Be real with her. Share with her important experiences in your life. Tell her about what is happening at work. Express when you are worried, angry or sad. Do not try to hide or deny your feelings.
10. Laughter. Maintain your sense of humor especially in times of stress. Share inside jokes. See the lighter side of life. Eliminate mockery and sarcasm. Laugh with each other but not at each other.
One of the worst myths about gifts is that they are an all-or-nothing proposition. Either you give the right gift in the right way or you give nothing. But real gifts, especially in a marriage, have a lot of spaces in between. You learn to give a little and then you learn to give a little more. Sometimes your wife will be ready to receive what you have to give and sometimes she won't. But every time you give, the gift creates a positive, precious deposit in your relationship.
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